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March 11th, 2006
10:27 pm
This is exactly what I needed.. its just one of those things where suddenly everything seems to make sense. I just had the most amazing three days. I've learned so much, especially about me. and i've definitly gotten stronger as a person, i know i've made tons of mistakes in my past but it doesn't matter anymore. It's this confidence I never really had in myself, and I'm so excited for college. I know what i'm like.. who I am and I wouldn't change that for the world. It took me a long time to get there, and i've made a lot of mistakes but it's who I am now. I love meeting new people. Most of all, i love when you learn something you never knew from someone new. I love people who aren't afraid to take risks, aren't afraid to live life to the fullest. I love people who don't care about what people think about them. I love running around the hotel, and making a fool out of myself.. i love laughing that much and i love feeling like everything was actually going to be okay. I don't need to deal with this and I never really had. I can't figure out what it was.. maybe a big mistake 2 years worth of mistakes, maybe thats how I've learned. Being able to see them together, as horrible as it felt.. made me feel stronger than i've felt in a long time. Being able to place in the top 10. Being able to stand in the same room, being able to talk to new people and to really just be me. To really not be afraid and to feel amazing about myself because i know in all this i've been the stronger person.
I can't figure it out what it was.. it wasn't real right? none of it was
yet i can't help smiling while I read old convos or old emails
it all seemed so real...this person that i knew
Now i'm not even sure who that was.
We've both changed and I read emails, and I know thats not me anymoree
just so glad everything make sense now
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March 4th, 2006
07:38 pm - I love you
why is it that to this day no one has been able to upset me as much as he does in one phone conversation...
I don't know what i'm supposed to do and I can't believe he called me difficult to deal with
how am I supposed to know how I feel? i've never been good at figuring things out... you wanna know well.. this matters
you're all I think about.. and you're the only person I want to be, I get butterflies in my stomach whenever we kiss and I'll do anything to make you happy I've never cared about anyone so much in my life and you wanna know the truth.. im scared because I don't think I've felt like this and part of me wants it to go away because the whole thing is too scary and I can't just tell you how I feel. I've screwed up things before, and I've hurt you and I never want to do that again and I thought maybe by not saying anything I don't have a chance to hurt you more than I already did but I can't be without you I want to kiss you.. and I want to hold you i want things to go back to the way they were but I know i've messed that up
ridwan.. i've never been so scared
I don't know if we can actually be together and I cant deal with knowing that I can't
and I can't imagine ever finding someone more perfect than you...I want you...forever
I dont want to hurt you again... I don't want to ruin things
but I need you
do I let this all go?
or tell him how i feel..
I don't know if I can risk that again
I can't beleive how much I managed to mess things up..
I'm sorry and I love you
I really love you...
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March 2nd, 2006
06:28 pm - stuff
everything sucks.. okay maybe thats stretching it a bit, but for some reason I was really hoping that after vacation everything would be different. I don't even know how I expected that to actually happen, but I'm honestly so sick of everything, school, work and there isn't anything to look forward to anymore and I really don't even want to go to deca next week.. I just don't want to miss any more school. I don't know exactly what to do. I feel like I need some kind of change, but I can't figure out what. Last week was amazing, really relaxing too kinda wish I had brought my journal, it would have been nice to write what I was thinking. I can't figure out what I want.. or maybe I can which may actually be the scary thing. Either things are great or they suck, and of course it's always been like that but I really feel like I can't seem to do anything right, you know how one of those college essay questions is what have you done that you're proud of? what if theres nothing... I have nothing, and on top of that, this sentence isn't even grammaticial correct(and thats not spelled right) alkdfjasdf I hate grammer. Before at least it was only me who thought that i couldn't do anything, and now I don't think anyone thinks I can, even people who used to always think so.
I really wish some things would go back to the way they were.. but I know I don't even deserve that
just having a bad day.. hopefully tomorrow will be better
Current Mood:  angry
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February 12th, 2006
02:00 pm
sunday morning..
i must sayy its soo prettyyy outside.. soo much snow i dont really like snow alll too much but when you wake up on sunday and its nice like thiss it makes everything better
besides the fact that i have my road test tommorow.. ahh
drinking coffee..reading jane austen everything is just so calm i love it
so im sitting here listening to the radio
and inside i know im happier this way and that this is how things are supposed to be but there were times when things were soo good and i miss that.. more than anything
and i am happy that hes found some1 else but i wish i could not remember these things right now
hes who he is now.. and i am me and i know we dont make sense anymoree b/c we're so differnet
sigh its okayy im fineee
actually excited for valentines dayyy =)
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December 26th, 2005
06:11 pm
life is really intresting.. im sitting here listening to my parents fight again and i usually tone them out cuz i've just been sick of listening to alll of this crap and now i think i understand.. understand my mom's point of view
its amazing how much you can understand when you look at the whole situation for another point of view. once you're outside of the situation everything seems to make more sense
its funny how everything says how love=happiness.. and of course in many cases it does but this whole idea maybe we just fall in love with the being in love just cuz love and happiness are connected and our sole purpose in life is to happy..in whatever way that is based on the individual but thats not always through love or maybe it is.. but maybe there's more to it like finding out who you really are.. and as much i hate it i was becoming this person that i knew i didnt want to be
who do i want to be.. im not sure i just knew i had to get away because i cant be in love when im sure the person i want to be isnt close to who i was.. so maybe love has a lot more to do with yourself then i first thought
its scary how doing the right thing can hurt so much.. yet you don't learn from happiness you learn from pain and you become stronger so maybe the more you're hurt, the stronger you'll be so its all worth it in the end i hope at least
and im done leading this life.. dont with dealing with all this crap
i kinda feel like i wanna bury myself in a cave or something.. just be alone for a while nothing really seems to make me happy and i think thats what scares me the most.. you can be unhappy but you're always like if only this.. or that then everything would be okay... and what if u cant even figure out what that is anymore then you're just looking .. but for what? im not sure anymore
the more i think about the relationship.. i know i was wrong and part of me whats to continue to beleive that i was right because it makes everything a little better but inside i know i wasnt.. and i know i didnt deserve him to forgive me all those times or even be there like he was and i hate myself for that and i know he does too which in some ways makes this better because it'll be easier for him but of course at the same time i wish he didnt hate me..
i wish i didnt either
you get so caught up in the moment and what you want.. u forget what u thought was right but now looking back i realize i was wrong..
and im sorry for that
you deserve better..and i know that one day you will
merry christmas..
Current Mood:  contemplative
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December 22nd, 2005
12:58 am
love is crap.. its this so called perfect thing where everything makes sense and its supposed to be the greatest thing you've ever experienced
its all a lie.. it sucks
after 2 years.. how do we end up right where we started from? its just werid how much can change from the beginning how much people can change? how love and hate can come so close.. i cant even tell you exactly what i feel anymore i guess its what i thought we should do what i wanted yet i hate the fact that he's the only one that can make me feel like crap and i know he'd never talk to me like that before and maybe i didnt make as many mistakes but im sick of thinking everything is.. sick of blaming myself.. sick of never being right knowing that i cant really get mad.. cuz i've done worse knowing that theres so much i'd like to say but can't
im sure he loves me.. yet at the same time i wished he'd show me that more and not just say that he does, somehow that doesnt seem to fix everything anymore and i really think its the small things that could've made this work but maybe thats it.. it wasnt supposed to work
all that and nothing.. life's intresting and im sitting here missing him and at the same time wondering why i fell in love with him in the first place and what i feel now..
well based on the last conversation.. i really do hate him
but w/e i just need to actually make this last.. not like we can go back anyway
this is for the best.. right yeah idk
fucking asshole.. erghhhh
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September 4th, 2005
12:38 am
Every day seems to be worse... and i honestly don't think i can do this anymore. i'm so tired of this.. i can't even begin to tell you. Part of me wants to tell both of them that i can't talk to them again although then i'd have nothing yet that's what i deserve. I really don't deserve them caring so much after everything i've put them through. Everything is just getting so complicated... and i just wish one of them understood how hard this is for me. i dont know if i can do this anymore
there's so much more to write.. i just think im going to be sick though..
goodnight.
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August 18th, 2005
08:56 pm
i don't care anymore... everyone sucks
lalalala
but i had fun today =)
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August 17th, 2005
08:46 pm
hmm i was thinking...actually i wasnt really thinking anything
dont really know why im updating this..
i really havent done crap this summer.. so much work to do
and i've done nothing what a waste of 2 months sighh...
my parents are home after this till school which suckss..
things are bothering me lately..but idk what it really is
newayss everything is really good with ikky.. i love him <3
ahh he's soo cute
lol cept i feel like i'm such a bad gf.. hmm yeah
anyways school starts soon.. so yeah that sucks
lifee is actually kinda suckkyy... i think
dont know
wow that makes no senseeeeee
hmm i kinda wish i didnt care at all.. that'd be nice but things don't work that way
i really wish ikky didnt worry abt that.. b/c there really isnt anything to worry abt
its just that its not possible for me to stop caring about him..
i dont know how things are going to be when school starts
okay i dont care nemoree.. right
done done donee
i need something more exciting to do with my life but i don't know what
everything is just so pointless
sighhhhhh
hmm what to do..
oh and my parents are being annoying.. as usual
Current Mood:  blank
Current Music: fall out boy-sugar we're going down
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August 12th, 2005
08:13 pm
what if suraj was in love with diyva.. and they were perfect for each other
would rahul understand?
what would divya do?
jw...
ahh
my stomach hurts a lot and my dad is being soo annoying..
Current Mood: contemplative
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